So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize