I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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