I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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