I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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