the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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