Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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