my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
