Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
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so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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