well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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