I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
