I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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