I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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