then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize