Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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