I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
