I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
did i just pee glitter
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