I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
