these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
