conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
