Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
