This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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