I am spending my child support on dildos
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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