dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
