Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
