Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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