I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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