just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
