Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
