Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
