you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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