I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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