Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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