Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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