You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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