Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
