peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
