3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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