I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.