birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
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I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us