Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
