3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
