The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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