Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
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