Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
