Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
