why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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