I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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