Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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