I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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