My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
