I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I want is dick and wine.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
