Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
