just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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