Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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