Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
