I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
