apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
