Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
