i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm passing your future prison.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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