if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
did i walk over a car last night?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
